His Existence

My Existence

He exists.

I exist.

At that moment.

There is a person.

I want to say goodbye to him.

Because I will never see him again.

Some time ago. “CrossFire” was completed and I can’t remember how many times it was completed in twenty years. Director Xu is a meticulous. patient and demanding person. Within a few days of shooting. I figured out the pattern. After “this one is good. this one is good”. it must be the sentence “Let’s have another one.” Until each other can understand and get to “Yes! It’s this feeling, it’s this point!” time, pass. The final few -games are no exception.

It was a very exciting scene at the time. Together with my teammates, the sky was filled with sparkling fireworks. (In order not to give “spoilers”, I can only stop here). I can’t remember a few of them. Anyway, afterwards, not only the fireworks but also everyone’s eyes shined.

When I knew this was the last scene. I was actually quite calm. But later. I started to hope to hear “Let’s have another one” again. Although we can feel that everyone’s state is getting closer and closer to the “point” we have reached.

Okay. I admit that I was in such a state of mind. but after two consecutive nights. I still wanted to hear “Xiao Bei is finished”. Don’t worry, the time to come will always come. The voice of Director Xu from the intercom on the scene: “Xiao Bei is finished!” At that moment. the surroundings suddenly boiled. and the staff gathered around and ran and cheered. My little comrades… I directly raised two huge paper flower tubes above my head. I subconsciously closed my eyes and stood up.

As a result. I waited for a long time in the noisy voices and did not wait for the two “bangs”. I opened my eyes and found that they were hurriedly studying the instructions.

Then there’s a familiar scene. I took the cakes, took a group photo, said “You’ve worked hard” to everyone, and listened to everyone said. “Happy to be done.” Looking at every member of the crew, the director, the production group. the lighting group. the props group, the costume group, the makeup group every staff member. I know we will always meet again. so I didn’t give up. I hugged my dog Bei (doggie Xiaobei), who didn’t show much respect and desperately trying to get rid of me, and laughed very loudly.

At that moment, there was someone I wanted to bid him farewell to because I would never see him again. But the time was only after the director finished filming, so soon I was still in a trance, and he disappeared. The voices around me are all “Leilei has worked hard” and “Leilei is finished”….

In the past five months, we have been living together day and night. He was not familiar with me at the beginning. He felt that my expression here was not right, and I felt that his thinking was not logical. I also felt awkward, he restricted my movement a lot, but he taught me to make the wheelchair very “slippery”. It can be regarded as painful and happy when we roll together on a transport ship until we are covered in dirty sweat. He was actually quite annoying. Staring at me on the set made me feel a lot of pressure. Even if I go back at night. I will not let it go. Play a few games of “CrossFire” and talk to me. When it is more excessive, it is him who dreams. as if he is going to do some CP with me. But he is also quite good. I won’t say where it is good. The big man doesn’t say these useless and hypocritical words.

In fact. I could see him again, but at that time, he was not the one who was in front of me, beside me, and in my head. He is all yours now. There is a saying “He is yours. I don’t have anything. It’s almost a matter of discussion. However. I was very happy to give him to you, as if I had relieved the pressure and mood of several months. But if you want him. you should be nervous again. I think he is very good, you will like it

When filming is particularly tiring. I occasionally think. “Who is this guy. I’m so tired that I split up just to prove his existence, so why?” But at the moment when I was finished. I was suddenly a little scared, hey, don’t go. you are gone, who am I?

Goodbye, Lu Xiaobei. Goodbye, Chen Leyun. Baili Hongshuo. Yang Ping. Li Cu. Xiao Yan..

Thank you for existing, and thank you for proving my existence.

Who am I when it’s not them? When I can give an answer that satisfies myself I may be a real iron-blooded (strong, tenacious) man.

The so-called resonance of the stage and the characters.

It’s about roles.

Speaking the voice of the audience.

Translation credit to  @wuleiarchive